I posted this photo on my Facebook account on 3 March, 2015. It helped me visualize how I am trying to prioritize things and relationships in my life.
Looking back at this picture now, I question how far I have come. Every age brings its own set of challenges, and there is no handbook to help us navigate through the storms. Each experience is different, and some experiences are shockingly piercing.
I am a 90s kid. And we used to have pretty scrapbooks, even during college times. I have still kept my college scrapbook, where my close friends have written about their dreams and the biggest regrets of their lives.
When you are young, it is easier to point out one mishap. As we mature and experience the tosses and turns of stormy experiences, it’s so difficult to write down just one regret or one dream.
I love dreaming because you can draw anything in thin air. You can play any character. You write your own story; you are the protagonist of your life. Isn’t that the dream of every stage performer—to be in the spotlight?
But I digress from the topic. Learning to multitask is especially difficult for me because I like to focus on one thing at a time. I’ll never be a woman who takes care of her home and works flawlessly. I am not a homebody. The birthmark on my toe is a sign that I will be travelling a lot throughout my life. I am an introvert, and I like spending time by myself at home. But I also become impatient to travel at least once every three months. Or maybe its just another itch to dance on stage again.
So unlike my family members, who like a steady job, a simple life, a permanent home, and no time to even think about traveling,
If I am not traveling, then I am dancing. When I am sad or sick, music makes me feel alive again. Moving to music or somewhere is important for me.
This year has been so challenging for me because I’ve had to deal with stuff that I had no idea about. I am helping my mom deal with some property issues that are stuck in court. The tiny me had to talk to lawyers, try to understand legal terms on official papers, discuss with elders and cousins, come up with a strategy, etc.
I find it difficult to perform when such a heavy burden is on my mind. My body and my mind feel stuck. I swear at this point in my life, I can choreograph a musical drama about my present situation that shows lots of people physically pulling me in different directions, but no voice is coming out of me. I am just looking towards the bright spotlight for some guidance, which slowly turns out to be a solar eclipse.
My dance friends also struggled a lot during and after lockdown to open their dance studios. Many have family issues, and they work their way through them by listening to music that helps them escape into a world where they feel free.
I am also navigating the difficult path of when people choose to listen to and trust the same gender as theirs. Visiting the court, I realised there are so many men wearing the black coat but not many women. What annoys me is that sometimes men don’t take a woman seriously and, in fact, try to gain monetary profit from your legal problems. It is never a good idea to trust a lawyer. Many times I came face-to-face with the concept of “mansplaining.” It means a man first interrupts your conversation and then starts explaining the same thing as if it was not clear when I was explaining.
Dealing with property issues is extremely difficult. Then throw in some gender bias, age bias, and profession bias. Scientists may be incorrect, but the brain seems to have more dimensions than just the left and right hemispheres. When you are confronted with legal issues, your brain’s wires can short circuit.
I am certain of one thing: dealing with legal issues has diverted my mind from some of the symptoms of depression. It has forced me to think about things that I never thought I would have to deal with. I have learned new things, some positive, about the way people change when faced with adversity. Very few people take the initiative to help you sincerely, and even fewer genuinely respect you.
In the last few months, I’ve witnessed firsthand the power of money and ego. Different people have different perspectives about what makes them stand out in society and even above other people. As if these people use comparison to elevate themselves above others because they cannot call themselves successful otherwise.
This year, I also made new friends, both offline and online. I was determined to go all by myself, not relying on anyone for support. I wanted to write nonstop every day like a maniac until my fingers bled. Thankfully, the difficulty in understanding how WordPress works has diverted my attention towards design and structure. My online blogging friends have unknowingly kept me sane and happy by supporting me. And I am not just talking about liking and commenting on my blog. But by blogging regularly as they did, I couldn’t stop my curiosity to find out more about blogging, content creation, life, relationships, work culture, books, travel, cosmetics, festivals, and just about everything else.
I have recently been contacted by many authors to review their books. I only get time to read before sleeping. I also like reading when traveling. I hope to change the theme and name of my blog soon. It started out as a dance blog. Then I started writing about fitness. And now I want to turn it into a dance and fitness blog. I’m not sure how this section of the dance diary will fit into my niche just yet.
Many dance projects are lined up for next year. I hope the legal dates don’t clash with my work. I have many fitness goals that I still want to achieve. It’s been a long time since I’ve performed on stage. I guess I will start posting reviews of dance performances that I am performing at some of the prestigious auditoriums in Delhi. Before the pandemic and lockdown, I was quite regular in watching live performances by theatre artists and dancers, and I used to go to painting exhibitions. This year, I have only been to two exhibitions. I visited the National Gallery of Modern Art in March, and another visit was to Triveni Kala Sangam about tribal art, which was really unique. Watching live performances has a deeper impact than viewing a recorded, well-edited video online.
I hope to see more progress in the legal matter in December. And I hope to survive and thrive by the end of this year.
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